


T*its or GTFO

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Cybersex, Internet, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-12
Updated: 2011-11-12
Packaged: 2017-10-25 23:24:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/275990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Doctor attempts cybersex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	T*its or GTFO

You only live thirteen times, as they said on Gallifrey. The Doctor was only going to get eleven times before he died for some reason, which made him slightly bitter about the two whole lifetimes of experience he'd be missing out on. Admittedly his own pace of regeneration meant two lifetimes could be about a fortnight, but it was the principle of the thing. The point was that he didn't have long if he wanted to experience everything in the universe.

That's why he was trying out cybersex.

He'd first learned about it from Donna's internet history, which had taught him all manner of things about human sexuality. Donna, under her alias of GingerBBW, had been very popular on the internet, for some reason.

The Doctor typed in the address for one of Donna's most visited sites and looked at the log-in screen. He need a name. Should he go for the thrill of anonymity or be honest about who and what he was? He decided on Doctor1103, which was a bit of both.

Something pinged and a message popped up almost instantly.

 _SexySex14: A/S/L?_

 _Doctor1103: No, I've never quite managed to master it. How do you type in ASL anyway?_

 _SexySex14: What? How old r u?_

 _Doctor1103: 1103._

 _SexySex14: LOL. No really r u over 18?_

 _Doctor1103: By quite some way._

 _SexySex14: R u a girl?_

 _Doctor1103: Not at the moment, no._

 _SexySex14 has left the conversation._

The Doctor stared at the screen. Well, that was rude, wasn't it? Just because he wasn't a woman. For a brief moment he truly understood sexism. Then another message popped up.

 _Domme42: HELLO SLUTBOI._

 _Doctor1103: Pardon?_

 _Domme42: YOU MAY SERVE ME._

 _Doctor1103: Not to be rude, but are you a Dalek?_

 _Domme42: NO I AM A DOMME :) I MAKE SLUTBOIS MY WHORES. ~SMILES~_

 _Doctor1103: Um, okay._

 _Domme42: SUCK MY FEET._

 _Doctor1103: How do I do that?_

 _Domme42: ARE YOU NEW?_

 _Doctor1103: Not especially. I'm 1103._

 _Domme42: TYPE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. SENSUALLY._

 _Doctor1103: I am sensually caressing the keys to type on the internet. My eyes are erotically moving as I read the words on the screen._

 _Domme42 has left the conversation._

The Doctor had the horrible feeling that he'd finally found something he wasn't very good at. He wished he knew what sort of thing Donna typed in these places. If only he could ask her. If only he hadn't stolen her memory.

 _Hawtgurl18: Hi! How are you?_

 _Doctor1103: I hate myself._

 _Hawtgurl18: Awwwwwwww. :(_

 _Doctor1103: Don't talk to me, I hurt people._

 _Hawtgurl18: Maybe I like that ;) Tell me more about hurting people. Do u spank them?_

 _Doctor1103: No, I make them love me and then I ruin their lives._

 _Hawtgurl18 has left the conversation._

Okay, clearly this wasn't the sort of place where people talked about their emotions.

 _COCKLOVER: Are you male?_

 _Doctor1103: Yes._

 _COCKLOVER: Do you have a big cock?_

 _Doctor1103: About average._

 _COCKLOVER: How big is it exactly?_

 _Doctor1103: Hang on, I'll get a ruler._

 _COCKLOVER has left the conversation._

What was wrong with these people? Didn't they appreciate his rare honesty? Was he supposed to lie? Well, he could do that. He was really, really good at lying.

 _SensualMan69: Are you a woman?_

 _Doctor1103: Yes._

 _SensualMan69: Good. Can you send me a picture, there are lots of men pretending to be women on here._

 _Doctor1103 has sent martha.jpg_

 _SensualMan69: Nice. You are very pretty._

 _Doctor1103: Thanks._

After some thought he added a smiley face.

 _SensualMan69: Do you have nice breasts?_

 _Doctor1103: Yes._

That was sort of true. Not that he'd thought much about Martha's breasts, but they were very nice now that someone had mentioned them.

 _SensualMan69: What do you do?_

 _Doctor1103: I travel with an oblivious fool who doesn't realise how nice my breasts are. Eventually I will leave him and he will cry himself to sleep every night for a week._

Was that too honest?

 _SensualMan69: Show me your tits._

 _Doctor1103 has sent blue_tits_in_tree.jpg_

 _SensualMan69: Ha ha, very funny._

 _Doctor1103: I don't understand._

 _SensualMan69: How old are you?_

 _Doctor1103: I'm not sure, I never thought to ask._

 _SensualMan69: What?_

 _Doctor1103: 23?_

 _SensualMan69 has left the conversation._

The Doctor sighed. Even lying wasn't helping.

 _JACKHORNY69: Hey there, big fella! Wanna play doctors and nurses ;)?_

 _Doctor1103: Oh God no._

Maybe it wasn't _the_ Jack. Maybe it was someone else. The Doctor wasn't taking any chances though.

 _StarWarsFan: What r u wearing?_

 _Doctor1103: Tweed and a bow tie._

 _StarWarsFan: What?_

 _Doctor1103: What do people have against bow ties? They're cool._

 _StarWarsFan: OK r u wearing pants?_

 _Doctor1103: Yes._

 _StarWarsFan has left the conversation._

The Doctor felt failure creeping up on him. This was rubbish, what did Donna see in all this? Was she better at it than he was?

 _MrsRobinson: Hello, Sweetie ;)_

 _Doctor1103: River?_

 _MrsRobinson: Who else would it be?_

 _Doctor1103: What are you doing here?_

 _MrsRobinson: Go on, guess._

 _Doctor1103: Are you having sex with people over the internet?_

 _MrsRobinson: Are you?_

 _Doctor1103: I tried but I'm not very good at it._

 _MrsRobinson: I can imagine._

 _Doctor1103: Donna used to come here a lot._

 _MrsRobinson: I know ;)_

 _Doctor1103: What? Did you have internet sex with Donna?_

 _MrsRobinson: What happens on the internet, stays on the internet :)_

 _Doctor1103: I don't know how I feel about that._

 _MrsRobinson has sent hellosweetie.jpg_

 _Doctor1103: When did you grow a penis?_

 _MrsRobinson: It's not real, Sweetie._

 _Doctor1103: Oh. Am I supposed to send you a picture of mine?_

 _MrsRobinson: You don't have to. You could just type what you'd like me to do with it._

 _Doctor1103: I'm shy._

 _MrsRobinson: You won't be when I'm finished with you ;)_

 _MrsRobinson: Doctor? Are you there?_

 _MrsRobinson: Doctor?_

 _Doctor1103: Sorry, I had a bit of an accident._

 _MrsRobinson: What, already?_

 _Doctor1103: I'm sorry._

 _MrsRobinson has left the conversation._

The Doctor logged off and sat back in his chair. Well, he'd tried his best and had sort of managed cybersex. He could safely cross that off his list of things to do before he died. Now he just had to learn knitting and invent a better and more humane mousetrap.

He went off to clean himself up. It had been nice, but from now on the only cybersex he wanted was with the TARDIS. _She_ wouldn't demand pictures of his tits.


End file.
